Baypist, I haven't given you my money (or my parents') since Armageddon.
A childhood fixation, however, is a childhood fixation, and for what it's worth, you and your DP were pretty good at pointing the camera at almost nothing and letting Digital Domain wow us with fucking wow oh my god in heaven wow indeed.
And Shia LaBeouf, I think I'll call you Pluckspaz.
So, yes, gentle readers, I liked a Michael Bay movie. We were all eight years old once, and speaking of that, there's really no way that Bay's supercharged retread (G4?) could possibly have dealt me the same eye-popping, heart-stopping, heroic badassery and Manichaeism tutorial that this right here, in my youth, dealt to me, I swear to Hasbro.
Ain't that right, Minda, and can I get a "'Til All Are One"?
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I figure this is as good a place as any for some vintage jesse (stolen right the fuck off his old website, no less):
9-28-01:
OPTIMUS PRIME KILLED IN HEROIC BATTLE
Autobot City, Wisconsin
On Tuesday, the leader of the Autobots, a group of freedom fighters who for five years have been using Earth as a base of operations, died in battle. Optimus Prime, age 250,000 years, was heroically defending Autobot city when he met with the leader of the Decepticon sect, Megatron. The usurper who has been responsible for the deaths of at least thirty thousand people in his attempts to colonize Planet Earth and absorb North America’s vast amounts of the element “Energon” (Eg), Megatron has been plotting for years to dominate the universe. Once converted from liquid form to solid form, Energon is a potent dietary product for Autobots and Decepticons alike. If harnessed and controlled by Megatron and the Decepticon menace, the Autobots would be helpless and weak ,and the world, along with the rest of the universe, would be in peril.
On Tuesday morning, at 4:08 AM eastern time, Megatron and his forces intercepted an Autobot vessel on its way to Autobot city. The small crew was immediately neutralized, making the ship a perfect “Trojan Horse” for Autobot City. Upon its arrival, the ship made it past Autobot sensors undetected. The attack began with the “Shot Heard Around Wisconsin” as it was referred to by an area man who was fishing near the city. Hot Rod, a young Autobot, noticed the damages done to the vessel, and fired upon it, beginning the greatest battle Earth has ever know. Optimus Prime received a distress call soon after, and mobilized his forces from his home planet of Cybertron, which the Autobots had recently recaptured from the Decepticons.
The battle waged on for long hours into the morning, until Optimus Prime arrived at 10:08 A.M eastern time. Upon his arrival, the city had been dominated by Megatron and his forces. Sources say Prime converted into his secondary vehicular mode and heroically defeated several Decepticon soldiers. At some point in the battle he ran into Megatron. The fight lasted approximately five minutes, until Prime was injured by five massive blows to the chest and shoulder areas. Reports indicate that he suffered intense structural damage culminating in massive tubing and engine failure. He was pronounced dead at 1:14 PM eastern time. Plans to bronse him and erect his body as a statue in the middle of the city are being discussed.
“It was really awful.” Said Ultra Magnus, newly appointed leader of the Autobots. “I’ll try my best to uphold his honor and courage. I hope I can. And when our darkest hour hits, thanks to Optimus, and the power he gave me with the Matrix of Leadership, I think I’ll hold that honor well. It looks pretty simple. You just fit your fingers in the grooves and pull outwardly! Bumblebee could do it!”
After the fateful battle between Prime and Megatron, Optimus was carried to the city’s emergency ward, whereupon he accepted his fate and appointed Ultra Magnus the new leader. Perceptor, the only available physician at the time, knew upon immediate examination that Prime had only moments to live. “I fear the wounds are fatal,” he said to the surviving members of the autobot force. According to Perceptor, there was massive damage to Prime’s Energon Receptors, located at his waste. The hull of his waste had been penetrated by what was identified as a spark,or a quick laser knife that was kept in hiding by Megatron until the ideal moment.
“The fight was awful,” said Kup, a member of the Autobots who has been a soldier since Prime’s inception. “It was basically a fight to the death. That’s what Prime wanted, I think. We’ve been terrorized and oppressed by these rebels for years and years. When they broke off from the Autobots to form their militia, Cybertron was never the same. We were a peaceful people. But some people just want more. Prime knew that if he could destroy Megatron once and for all, the Decepticons would be no more. I hope now that the tables were turned, that’s not the case for us.”
The Cybertronion wars seem over on Earth, but apparently they are not over for the Autobots. An unidentified entity is approaching Cybertron, and Megatron is still at large. “We don’t know what to think of the enemy. Are they dead? Are they mobilizing? I hope they’ve been quelled.” said Blaster, a longtime citizen of Cybertron. But there are few signs of the enemy, and now according to one member of the Autobots, the Autobots don’t have a competent leader to replace Prime. “Magnus is going to lead us to death. I know it. I could be a better leader than him any day. I hope that Matrix backfires on him. The Bastard.”
According to everyone who knew Optimus Prime, he was a great leader. According to everyone who witnessed the horrifying battle, Prime’s arrival was what quelled the Decepticon attack. “Prime did it. He jammed the tide,” said Kup. Prime’s legacy will be carried on by everyone who knew him. In the words of Spike, the Wisconsin man that first met the autobots upon their arrival, and has been with them since, fighting in their war, “The Human Race need never fear, as long as Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots.”
And why wasn't I paid passels of cash to write lines like "You're definitely more than meets the eye", not to mention further parlaying of the image of black crotchety grandmothers?
I had never read that before Jesse! You fucking rock. seriously.
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