Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Chronicles of Beleaguered Ed Norton

So, I loved the new Hulk picture. I thought it was almost as good as Iron Man. I had heard that Edward Norton was having a giant meltdown and refusing to promote the movie over creative control/screenplay issues. Apparently you wouldn't like him when he's angry, or moreover, you wouldn't like him when he senses your indifference to his artistic concerns.

I usually don't care at all about diva silliness from people I'll probably never meet or have to put up with, but I saw The Incredible Hulk with Livia. Our first exchange:

Jesse: Nice locations.
Livia: I'm sure we have Edward Norton to thank.
Jesse: 'This gulch won't do. Don't worry, I've found another--better--gulch. (Infuriated) YOU CALL THIS A QUARRY?'.

Oh, it gets even more one-upsy from there:

Me: I've done blow near better tributaries!

Livia: I banged Salma Hayek in a more suitable bog!

Me: Get this fjord outta my sight! Don't you know I directed Keeping the Faith?!!!

Livia: I was nominated for an Oscar in my screen debut, and you present me with this third-rate brook? it needs to BABBLE, motherfucker. Get off my set.

At this point, I'm having little paroxysms.

Livia: William Hurt's hair needs to be MORE silver! It reflects the vein of cold steel running through his soul! Were you born in a fucking barn? LEARN THE SEMANTICS!

Me: I ask for wispy and you bring me fucking Liv Tyler?!! I said Johansson! Dammit!

Livia: Excuse me? Did you just say cut? I was in the fucking MOMENT and you can't wait to stuff a ham sandwhich down your gullet? Norton have final cut. NORTON CUT!!!

Me: Somebody get Tim Blake Nelson a bib. He's getting MY scenery all over his clothes.

Livia: I can hear his voice.

Me: That's what makes it art.

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