Reason # WAAAH?!!

Well, That's Better Than Adequate

This is the only one of these I've really read.

...do we owe O'Reilly a thank you?

Dust having settled, I think back over passionate debate about certain films that should've beaten Crash last year (which is to say, dead-horse-floggingly, any of them with a pulse), and I remember going for the Soggy Bottom Boys over Mission JewPossible, Harper Lee Done Wrote Herself a Book, and George Clooney vs. The O'Reilly Factor: The Movie.
I think, now, that I must've been rootin' for Brokeback in a sort of, Don't-Change-Horses-Or-Fuck-On-A-Mountain-Top in midstream kinda way. I liked that one, but not as much as I like Good Night. Capote was a great performance piece but not a great film, and Munich, as wonderful as it is, kinda loses itself in the end.

And why the hell was I going so crazy over West Wing: Season Four?
I mean, when it rocks it rocks, but...

2,1,3,4. That's my order. God. I was swooning SO hard.
Needed to go through that, as I think re-evaluating one's opinions is like, important and stuff.

Not if we're playing bridge: Good Night, and Good Luck

Post Titles Are Pressure

I'm bad at titles. Also, I saw maybe four movies outside of my netflix rental activity this year, so I'm going to compile the list from that and include films that have enriched my life be they aught-six titles or nyet. Yes, yes, I'm aware of the existence of several fine films I should have seen by now, but rest assured, I'll see them before the Academy gets around to giving its awards to films of a far lesser degree of achievement.

10. Manderlay (2005)
09. The Phantom of Liberty (1974)
08. Cache (2005)
07. The Departed
06. The Long Goodbye (1973)
05. The Piano Teacher (1999?)
04. The Double Life of Veronique (1991)
03. Playtime (1967)
02. A Prairie Home Companion
01. Fanny and Alexander (1984)

The best film of 2006 was, hands down, A Prairie Home Companion. It's some of the most magical filmmaking I've ever seen, which should tell you how I feel about Bergman's Swann Song(kinda) from 1984.

Altman once said that he felt that there hadn't really been a great film made yet.

You Punch Like Anne Rice: Chabon - Wonder Boys

You, Me, Vast Veranda, Fortissimo: Picaresque - The Decemberists

...then where is the ambassador?

Haggis...

Some malignant news of an obit to a dear and unnecessarily departed hero almost rocked me back into my car and into Melton Lake last night, but thankfully, countless familiar faces insisted on hugging me right back into the room. Humble gratitude.

Last night was whirlwindy. It was great and weird and wonderful to see everyone. I was overwhelmed. I had a great time.

I'm glad I'm going to get to see all of you when I get back on NYE-E.

'Course, that doesn't include Nick, who's NYing on NYE, and I was sorry we couldn't catch up last night after Erin's. After the few days I'd had, I was bone tired. Plus I forgot to take this oft repeated and oft consternatin' steroids, what makes it possible for me to hear all of you again. Nick, I hope we get to catch up before you Orient yourself.

Merry Christmas, all, and that includes Jef's lasagna.

It's Hard to Bargle Nargle Zouse when You'll Never Sleep Again...

From the place I have been, I warn you not to go. I have seen purgatory, and now when I meet people I can tell them what it's like. Holly had been to HELL for a day or two. I just had to sit through an hour of it (in purgatory, time has no meaning). I don't know what Orphic hero pulled her from the gurgle-pit of the damned last week, but I can only imagine he had a very shiny dome.

Last week, as many of you may have heard, Holly had to assist the editing of the new W eird Al show. Now, I must tell you without reservation, that like the rest of you, and like Holly, I grew up on Eat It and everything else. So, when she told me she wanted to gouge her eyes out with a spoon (dull, hurt more) I couldn't possibly imagine it was as bad as she was saying. Perhaps it was just the repetition? Either way, I had no choice but to trust her, because, well, it didn't sound like hyperbole, even in her case.

Last night, as I put down my book and curled into bed, I turned on the teevee, and stumbled onto VH1 (something that never JUST happens). There it was. I was confused. This was a W eird Al show, but I thought the new one didn't air until the New Year.

Two minutes later I was smack in the middle of the Jessica Simpson interview she'd described to me. Folks, his show is a disgusting, juvenile nightmare. I don't get the impression that it could get much better from there.

I was taking it up until the 15 minute K-Fed interview. It goes on. And on. By the end of it, my life was a dark hallway of pain, for real this time, and I was play-crying. The play part of that could be wishful thinking.

The hurting hasn't stopped. If you get a chance, catch the program long enough to confirm that we're not exaggerating, and take a look at Holly's font on the music videos, because she did them all. It was a really cool thing to see the first thing she's worked on for broadcast TV, and something about the horror of the show itself makes for a poignant, if terrifying, innauguration for her into the world of Crazy-Ass Hollywood. And dont' forget, as you're watching his show, she watched all of this for two straight days. It can only get better from there.

Making Feet for Children's Shoes

Now, to kick it off, a year-end retrospective, allowing for the fact that I've been remiss vis. seeing new films. Actually, the remarkable thing about 2006 was its slew of high-quality musical releases.

I wasn't alone in my analysis of that plain fact (this year ends with Eragon, The Good German/Shepard and The Fountain notwithstanding; oh, and apparently Little Miss Sunshine) but more on that later.

For now, the musical highlights, and being that it was such a banner year, I'm going to have no choice but to leave a lot out. This'll be in no particular order:

This one left me cold on the first several listens. What's with the distracting references to Britney Spears and George Bush? The Flaming Lips never struck me as a topical band of any kind. The music seemed all over the place, almost to the point of bearing little resemblance to the splendour of past Lips releases. Then a funny thing happened. After about a month of owning it, I discovered that it was indispensible. The topicality faded into the background, and the overwhelming force of their positivism took over. It's an angry piece of "space-age protest music" alright, but it still embodies every theme that sets apart this band: Perseverence, saving the world, and psychedelia. When Wayne Coyne argues that only a fool believes that we're different from the birds in the sky, you can't deny him his rock-philosopher king status. The Flaming Lips are ingenious storytellers, and if this album falls short of their past glories (quite a task not to fall short of), one can certainly stand back and revel in its new ones.

Lostep - Because We Can

This is about as no-holds-barred as the breaks scene has gotten in awhile, at least while retaining such vital musicality. This album rings loud and true as the ambassadorship from Australia to the entire breaks world. Australia is where it's at, and Lostep (Luke Chable and Phil K) create such a various and peopled landscape of rhythm, melody and cadence that you could easily believe you're experiencing dance music for the first time. This is going to be one of the most influential dance albums for many, many years. It's like hearing Hybrid or BT for the first time, only Uberzone came over to put peyote in the Kool-Aid, only, wait a second, it's not like any of those groups at all, because it's fuckin' Lostep, and nobody but Lostep sounds quite like this. The first half of the album is ambient, midtempo quirkiness, and the last half is dance music with as equally quirky a brain, foot and soul. Get this one. I cannot stress this enough.

From 2005, I got into this one this year, and I'm only going to say this: It's the damned Ulysses of indie-rock. Seriously. Had it for a year. On track 5, so far. It's really, really pretty, and well worth the ambition. 2006 saw a release of, I think, two discs of B-sides from this album alone, which in my mind warrants its mention here. Also, get on it Sufie. You're barely through the midwest, and you've got NE and the South before you make it to the Southwest. Hurry up. Lazy fuck.

For those of you who would completely dismiss this band (and their mopiness makes that totally understandable), a healthy introduction to them could well be this one, though it won't make you any more a fan of the old stuff. It's light, funny, danceable(!) and charming, and yes, the songs are all school-girl pop, as always, but somehow the lyrics work as a looser abstraction than that. This album is subtly infectious, and brilliantly dramatic in its compositions. A triumph for fans and non-fans. You won't hate me for selling you the "sad-sack" music. It's not anymore.

Tipper - Relish the Trough

Dirtiest breaks album ever. Also, more brilliantly produced than any breaks album you've ever heard. Seriously, if scorpions liked music, this would be their pick. Live free. Break well.

BT - This Binary Universe

Now this is emotional technology. After his pandering 2003 release, BT returns in full, wondrous form with a work that is destined to mark his turning point from the dance music ghetto to the equally ghettoized arena of modern classical composer-hood. If the response to his recent tour amongst lay-BT fans (crying over a lack of Dreamings or Mercury and Solaces) is any indication, new club album notwithstanding, this one could be the most alienating piece he's written. This is an album ostensibly composed as a series of lullabies for his daughter and the result is a lush, meditative piece (that only becomes apparently daughter-worshipping in its finale) that is overflowing with potential for what's lurking in his head next. BT might well be bursting at the seems to escape his current pigeonholing. He seems to be risking everything on his talent at the moment, so one can only hope that it results in a progression from this progression and not an Emo Tech recidivism on the upcoming clubber.

Honorable mention for the breaks scene must go to Habersham, D Ramirez, The Stanton Warriors, Nubreed, BLIM, Elite Force and Dylan Rhymes.

With that said, I have to say that for the breaks scene, it has been the year of Chris Carter. Between his releases with JHZ (Roxiller) and his abundant output under his own name (Panorama, One Time), he's consistently fresh whilst using most of the same production techniques. He's as durable as they come, and I can't wait for next year.

Having blown all poetical on Chris Carter, I would be crazy to leave out a good Andy Page fellatin'. He's a mad, mad man. He's had his hands all over the breaks scene for awhile, and it's about time he reigned supreme.

I've been told to check out this year's Chili Peppers, Killers, and My Chemical Romance (!!!) releases. That last one stopped me for a second, but your humble narrator has good sources, and he must heed them proper consideration.

The year in movies came down to The Departed, a real teeth-jangler, and Altman's Swann Song, A Prairie Home Companion. We lost Altman and we lost Nykvist. Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. And so it goes.

Deliriously In Search of the Funny

Well. *Cough*

That happened. Six years was a pretty good ride. Most of us have been doing this since long before it was cool. We did it when it was uncool, and then it became uncool again by being cool.

I think we win. Everything is still where it was back there. I won't delete any of it, though I may archive some of the notable posts at this new home and take them down from there, seeing as how Blogspot/Google doesn't hold a copyright on any of the published material.

Otherwise, you'll still be able to go back and read all the hits, including, most recently, a post enumerating the dreaded dangers of UMF, something I will dedicate the use of this blog to fighting diligently, and with great wily-ness.

Before there was Emo, there was The Darkness of the Human Soul and other Funny Shite

I wonder what else will be uncool before it's cool, only to suck again, whilst I retain my dear integrity sodden phiz. Quiet you. I'll post soon with new intentions, abstractions and malformations, but for now, suffice it to say, I switched for convenience's sake. Change is good. Good for the humours. Yeah. Ahem. I'll get used to this soon. I swear.

The Mole

And now it's time for Watching El Topo, with Adam Cofer:

Adam: Was that a metaphor?

Jesse: *barely contains exasperation*

After "adjusting" to the surrealism, Adam's surround sound system starts buzzing.

From the troubleshooting section of the Technics manual:

1. Is your stereo properly grounded?

2. Are you attempting to watch El Topo?

Ten minutes later:

Me: This one's not very plotty...


Adam: Jodorowsky's Catholic. Well, that explains......nothing.

Adam: This is sort of a funeral procession for his nads.

Me: Elegy, right to the nuts!

Stop blinking if you want to understand what's happening.

Forty five minutes in:

Me: Oh, well there's water coming out of that desert penis.

Adam: (mit nonchalance, at this point) Okay.

Adam: I mean, bisexual is one thing, but she's a cactus fucker.

WORST. WHOREHOUSE. EVER.

This film was shot in Anamorphic Fuck You

UNEXPLAINED METAPHOR FATIGUE

If you, or anyone you know is suffering from UMF, please call this toll-free number.

It may be possible to spread UMF to others

Adam: Jodorowsky just donkey-punched me.

FILM ENDS.

Episode Recap West Wing Announcer Voice: Last Week, on EL TOPO......Tonight, on a very Special EL TOPO!.....

I think next Thanksgiving, I'll just buy a lava lamp and watch that.

Jesus Christ, My Ears (2006)

Available as Podcast.

1) Sloop DeeJay

2) NuBreed - Festa

3) Freeform Five - Electromagnetic (Evil Nine Mix)

4) Flack Su - Toddler (BLIM mix)

5) Forme - Let It All Out

6) Uberzone - Science

7) Robert Miles - Improvisations Pt. 1 (Buckfunk 3000 mix)

8) Andy Page - Mr. Rush

9) Unkle - Reign (False Prophet mix)

What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

I didn't forget about this, it just got sidetracked in the rubble of the week's dead-ends and Hi-Theres! dropped from B-29s flying over the labor camps of my soul. So. Without further ado, tis my toast to the Knockinest of Knockers, the Jewels of the Snarky Nile, Holly's Titties.

What's Past is Prologue

Recent developments have made it possible for me to extoll the virtues of the great rocks of Anderson, without any need to worry about impropriety. Was true always that these motzah balls would spin the dreidel of any Jewish liberal-Media-Hollywood elites, and true, the test of time will show it, and she'll use it to her advantage.

Will she use her cream puffs to sleep her way to the top? It's for her to decide, for what her angel cakes bestow upon us is majesty, from brook to brook, creek to creek, from Steak'N'Slash to hideous squid-puppet induced nightmares of sycophants laid low by a knock from her artichokes.

Those babylons could sink Babylon, her saline bags halt the approach of those too meager to match words over a bowl of soup, and true, in that case, her dynamic duo marked our territory.

Wicked, trixy, false, her frontal female water wings are a testament to natural sculpture. Truly, forsooth, there must be divine inspiration if such hottentots were thus made hotter. What's this hottentot got that we ain't got? Epic tits. May the world watch with wonder at the dead heat in a zeppelin race that is her rack. Mazel Tov.

P.S. Holly's tits are huge and Real.

Used as Reference: Joe Bobb Briggs's Exhaustive Boob Synonym List

One Thing About Living in Brno I Never Could Stomach: All the Damn Vampires

Tak. Al-A. No, Tak is how they say 'so' here (and probably a few other things). Don't they realize that that makes them demoniacs? Just found out my favorite Brock ever has an LJ. You're not going to let it fester into typical LJ territory, right? You know, turning it into a text-based lamentation on mundanity? Only recently have I met people who use LJ for the greater good (Now, the Dawson LJs are different. I mean, they're Dawsons. They exist on a much higher plane than the average LJ user, and have been so doing for some time). I'm sure you won't. Just so long as there is plenty of rumination on the looming of our brother's colon, things should be run like the tight ship that this web kingdom tends to be. Right. Moving onwards. What's new and different (cringe)?

Well, I went with this crazy cat and this Godless Couch Fuck to see The Plastic People of The Universe on Wednesday night. Perhaps the most famous and significant of Czech rock bands, The Plastic People were persecuted for rocking too hard by the Communists, who generally didn't like things to rock so much. So Vaclav Havel said, "Oh NO YOU D'Innt" and the Commies were all like, "What're you gonna do about it? Huh? You gonna write up some of your sissy queer plays and smart us to death Mr. Smarty McSmart Smart?"

And so Havel called together the Legion of Czech Super-Friends, and well,
in the spirit of Civil Disobedience, formed a petition that was eventually fruitful towards its Release-The-Plastic-People-Because-They-Rock-Hard-
And-This-Is-An-Injustice sorta thing. And it worked. And they performed with the Agon Orchestra, The Pasijove Hry (Passion Play) at Havel's house in 1978. We saw the third and final performance. It was like The Wall mixed with Tommy and Jazz. As Jef said: "Tom Waits woulda been in Heaven"
So, yeah. I bought a CD. Cool Story. Yeah. Keep that Southeastern Shire ready for me. I got three more months.

We Still Don't Have: Sin City

I like: Beck - Mutations

Nebo Jiti Jest Hospodinovo: The Plastic People Of The Universe

Go and be a Homosexual Movie Actor !: The Satanic Verses - Rushdie

Derridiculous Ghettoblaster

Podcast Available Here

Commentary Here

1. Mr. Oizo - Trina700 (Trina Kills Xtended Edit)

2. Hardy Hard and Lady Waks - Minimal (Rogue Element mix)

3. Klaxons - Golden Skans (Swtich mix)

4. Alex Metric - Breakin' Hearts

5. Bass Kleph - Coup D'Etat

6. Force Mass Motion - Check It Out

7. Justice - Waters of Nazareth (Justice remix)

8. Mr. Oizo - Transsexual

9. Unknown vs. Muse - Knights of Pneumonia

10. Trentemoller - ???

11. Uberzone - 4Bit

12. Mylo - Paris 400 (Sebastian mix)

The Gospel of Subsonic Funk (2002)

Side A (3-21-2002)

01. Kraymon - Got To Get Busy

02. Leuroj - Stickman

03. Sleepfreaks - Chemical Shift (2 Sinners mix)

04. Orbital - Illuminate (Dark Globe mix)

05. Fatboy Slim - Retox (Freq Nasty mix)

06. Uberzone - Bounce (Rennie Pilgrem & B.L.I.M. mix)

07. Tipper - Donuts

08. Nubreed - Midi Killa

09. JDS - Punk Or Funk?

10. Soul Of Man - Dirty Waltzer

11. Bassbin Twins - ESW

12. S.I. Futures - Freestyle Disco


Side B (3-26-2002) (Discontinued)

13. Ananda Ghost - Idol (Dark Globe Mix)

14. Raze - Break 4 Love (Future Funk Squad Mix)

15. Sonic Animation - I'm Afraid I Think I'm Human (Nubreed vs Phil K mix)

16. David James - A Permanent State (Waveform mix)

17. Steve Bug Vs DJ-T - Monsterbaze

18. Bushwacka! - Butterfly

19. Banca De Gaia - Obsidian (The Light Vs. Proper Filthy Naughty mix)

20. Planet Funk - Inside All The People (Lee Coombs Dub)

21. Quinn Whalley - Crack Whore


Side B (New and Improved 5-5-2002)

13. Unseen Force - 2 B Your 1 (Evil Nine mix)

14. Dark Globe - Bug On The Lens

15. Bill Hamel - Phazon Phrequency (B.L.I.M. mix)

16. Namtrak - What You Need (Meat Katie mix)

17. Andy Page - Oblivias Newton Bomb

18. Uberzone - Black Widow (VIP mix)

19. DB+ - That Thing (Koma & Bones mix)

20. Blue Light Fever - DJ (B.L.I.M.'s Burglar Mix)

Improvised, Error Bedraggled Christmas Ride Tape (2001)

Side A (12-24-01)

01. Tarantella - Saturn (Quivver mix)

02. Leuroj - Stickman

03. Uptown Connection - LA

04. Bushwacka! - Zebidee

05. The Scientist - The Exorcist (Uptown Connection mix)

06. Andy Page & Lee Burridge - Maladjusted

07. Lee Coombs - Dance To The House

08. Rennie Pilgrem & B.L.I.M. - Eskimo (Yellow Snow mix)

Side B (12-24-01)

09. D-Note - Shed My Skin (PMT mix)

10. John Creamer & Stephane K - Wish You Were Here (PMT mix)

11. Meat Katie & B.L.I.M. - Distorted Soul Part 1

12. Rennie Pilgrem & B.L.I.M. - Eskimo

13. Fluke - Absurd (Soul Of Man mix)

14. Chris Carter - What Sounds Are

15. Blame - Music Takes You (B.L.I.M. mix)

16. Crystal Method - You Know It's Hard (Koma & Bones mix)

The Dark and Subversive Mix (8-11-01)

01. Aquasky Vs. Masterblaster - Frequency

02. T-Boy - Monkey Spank

03. Oz & Storm - Street Knowledge

04. Player 1 - Into The Darkness

05. Galvani & Circuit Breaker - Look Like A Girl

06. Hedrock Valley Beats - Radio Beatbox (Phantom Beats mix)

07. The Spoon Wizard - Shoe Monkey (Phantom Beats mix)

08. T-Power - Running (B.L.I.M mix)

09. Groundloop - Jaws Of Mylor

10. B.L.I.M & Chris Carter - I Robot

11. Lee Coombs & The Drumattic Twins - Tribal Tension

12. Vigi & Flip - Freak Frequency (Unbalanced mix)

13. Freq Nasty - Move Back

14. Buckfunk 3000 & Aspects - All Terrain

15. Soul Of Man - Killa Brew (Killa mix)

The Delicate Sound of Flannel (2001)

Side A (May 2001)

01. Kraymon - Somehow Green

02. Friskee Feat. Vee - I Like The Way (Plump DJs mix)

03. Freestylers - Now Is The Time

04. Starecase - Other Side Of The Line (General Midi mix)

05. Elektronauts - Bumper (Plump DJs mix)

06. Leftfield - Dusted (Tipper Mix)

07. Sourmash - Pilgrimage To Paradise (B.L.I.M.'s Bourbon Bass mix)

08. Kraymon - Got To Get Busy

09. Anthony Rother - Red Light District (B.L.I.M.'s Pro Mix)

10. Scratch D Vs H-Bomb - Red Pill

Side B (June 2001)

01. Stisch - JFK

02. PMT - Gyromancer

03. Apex - Symmetry (Nubreed mix)

04. ILS - Sabotage

05. Deiaskaust - Latitude By Observation (Tipper Mix)

06. Tipper - Dissolve Out (Buckfunk 3000 mix)

07. B.L.I.M. - Filterzon (T-Power mix)

08. Quivver - One Last Time (Lee Coombs Mix)

09. Raw Deal - Headless Horseman Rides Again (B.L.I.M. mix)

Schizoid DJ-Funk (2001)

Side A (3-26-2001)

01. Mad Dogz - Better Make Room

02. Leftfield - Afrika Shox (Jedi's Elastic Bass mix)

03. Aquasky - Bodyshock (Adam Freeland mix)

04. Uberzone - The Brain

05. Steve Reich - The Desert Music (Freq Nasty & B.L.I.M. mix)

06. 2 Phat Cunts - Ride

07. Freq Nasty - Pure Evil

08. Fatboy Slim - Bird Of Prey (Darren Emerson mix)

09. Lunchbox Ain't Home Right Now

Side B (3-26-01)

10. Paul Jacobs presents Soul Grabber - Motorcross Madness

11. DJ Dan Presents Needle Damage - That Zipper Track

12. Jark Prongo - Movin' Thru Your System

13. Leftfield - Afrika Shox (V.W. mix)

14. Timo Maas - Ubik (The Dance)

15. Moby - Porcelain (Futureshock mix)

16. BT - Mercury And Solace (Quivver Mix)

17. Faithless - God Is A DJ (Monster Mix)

Optimus Prime Killed in Heroic Battle

Autobot City, Wisconsin

On Tuesday, the leader of the Autobots, a group of freedom fighters who for five years have been using Earth as a base of operations, died in battle. Optimus Prime, age 250,000 years, was heroically defending Autobot city when he met with the leader of the Decepticon sect, Megatron. The usurper who has been responsible for the deaths of at least thirty thousand people in his attempts to colonize Planet Earth and absorb North America’s vast amounts of the element “Energon” (Eg), Megatron has been plotting for years to dominate the universe. Once converted from liquid form to solid form, Energon is a potent dietary product for Autobots and Decepticons alike. If harnessed and controlled by Megatron and the Decepticon menace, the Autobots would be helpless and weak ,and the world, along with the rest of the universe, would be in peril.

On Tuesday morning, at 4:08 AM eastern time, Megatron and his forces intercepted an Autobot vessel on its way to Autobot city. The small crew was immediately neutralized, making the ship a perfect “Trojan Horse” for Autobot City. Upon its arrival, the ship made it past Autobot sensors undetected. The attack began with the “Shot Heard Around Wisconsin” as it was referred to by an area man who was fishing near the city. Hot Rod, a young Autobot, noticed the damages done to the vessel, and fired upon it, beginning the greatest battle Earth has ever know. Optimus Prime received a distress call soon after, and mobilized his forces from his home planet of Cybertron, which the Autobots had recently recaptured from the Decepticons.

The battle waged on for long hours into the morning, until Optimus Prime arrived at 10:08 A.M eastern time. Upon his arrival, the city had been dominated by Megatron and his forces. Sources say Prime converted into his secondary vehicular mode and heroically defeated several Decepticon soldiers. At some point in the battle he ran into Megatron. The fight lasted approximately five minutes, until Prime was injured by five massive blows to the chest and shoulder areas. Reports indicate that he suffered intense structural damage culminating in massive tubing and engine failure. He was pronounced dead at 1:14 PM eastern time. Plans to bronse him and erect his body as a statue in the middle of the city are being discussed.

“It was really awful.” Said Ultra Magnus, newly appointed leader of the Autobots. “I’ll try my best to uphold his honor and courage. I hope I can. And when our darkest hour hits, thanks to Optimus, and the power he gave me with the Matrix of Leadership, I think I’ll hold that honor well. It looks pretty simple. You just fit your fingers in the grooves and pull outwardly! Bumblebee could do it!”

After the fateful battle between Prime and Megatron, Optimus was carried to the city’s emergency ward, whereupon he accepted his fate and appointed Ultra Magnus the new leader. Perceptor, the only available physician at the time, knew upon immediate examination that Prime had only moments to live. “I fear the wounds are fatal,” he said to the surviving members of the autobot force. According to Perceptor, there was massive damage to Prime’s Energon Receptors, located at his waste. The hull of his waste had been penetrated by what was identified as a spark,or a quick laser knife that was kept in hiding by Megatron until the ideal moment.

“The fight was awful,” said Kup, a member of the Autobots who has been a soldier since Prime’s inception. “It was basically a fight to the death. That’s what Prime wanted, I think. We’ve been terrorized and oppressed by these rebels for years and years. When they broke off from the Autobots to form their militia, Cybertron was never the same. We were a peaceful people. But some people just want more. Prime knew that if he could destroy Megatron once and for all, the Decepticons would be no more. I hope now that the tables were turned, that’s not the case for us.”

The Cybertronion wars seem over on Earth, but apparently they are not over for the Autobots. An unidentified entity is approaching Cybertron, and Megatron is still at large. “We don’t know what to think of the enemy. Are they dead? Are they mobilizing? I hope they’ve been quelled.” said Blaster, a longtime citizen of Cybertron. But there are few signs of the enemy, and now according to one member of the Autobots, the Autobots don’t have a competent leader to replace Prime. “Magnus is going to lead us to death. I know it. I could be a better leader than him any day. I hope that Matrix backfires on him. The Bastard.”

According to everyone who knew Optimus Prime, he was a great leader. According to everyone who witnessed the horrifying battle, Prime’s arrival was what quelled the Decepticon attack. “Prime did it. He jammed the tide,” said Kup. Prime’s legacy will be carried on by everyone who knew him. In the words of Spike, the Wisconsin man that first met the autobots upon their arrival, and has been with them since, fighting in their war, “The Human Race need never fear, as long as Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots.”