Friday, December 25, 2009


No, not John Malkovich meets Coetzee. Can't wait for that one. Nope, here's the fetid list of odorous, festering bungs pried open and sprinkled with cocaine around the rim this year a la Naked Lunch (by way of explaining their puzzling success):

(God, what a year for crap)


It's worse than X3. Believe me. At no point does any of it follow any narrative logic. It is simply camp and only camp. As the year's best musical that contains no actual music, it's kind of great. As an X-Men movie, it's the greatest disappointment in comic-movie history. The economic kerplunk caused many films to scale back their budgets. Note the crappiest "Snnnck" in Wolverine history. Crappy writing costs nothing, that's for sure.

Terminator: Salvation

The worst film in the franchise, again, worse than the third installment in this series, which is saying something. If it accomplished only one good thing, it might have derailed McG's "film" career. Except no, it probably won't. Among this rotten film's many crimes (aside from the worst Christian Bale performance this side of a youtube remix) is the unforgivable crime of being relentlessly boring. It's poorly written, poorly directed, and poorly executed. There is zero tension in the film from start to finish. The governator's unfortunate cameo didn't really help things along, and the movie died a well-deserved death at the box-office, taking a real war of the machines franchise with it. Blecch.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Three dimensional titty-harm. Unpleasant, in every conceivable way. I feel that seeing this in the theaters more than counts as having also seen Final Destination 3D. Gross.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Everything that's appalling about American movies is all here. It's like watching the cinematic equivalent of truck nuts, for nearly three fucking hours. It has a few cool scenes of transformerdom, but the rest of the movie is loud, shrill, incoherent, and, shockingly, casually racist. It is also, currently, the number one movie of the year, domestically, number nine overall, domestically, in American history, and 20th worldwide. Some people read the news to get depressed. It works just as well for me to read Box Office Mojo

New Moon

I actually put myself through this one un-riff-tracked. Why? No, seriously, dear jumping fuckin' Jesus God why? There is no dramatic action in this film whatsoever. Memo to teenage girls and cougar pedophiles everywhere: He loves me he loves me not, I love him I love him not is NOT A PLOT. It is not dramatic action. It is just you wasting your goddamned time waiting for a man who more than likely REALLY ISN'T FUCKING WORTH IT. GET SOME REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE IN LIFE. Also, if you're not in Kentucky, your Taylor Lautner ball-gag ain't legal. Jesus.

The film is so sullen, so long, so unbearable, so poorly blocked, acted, and written, that by the time real actors show up towards the end, it's actually more confusing and distracting than before, because we have to adjust ourselves to A-list actors lending their talents to a completely unworthy script, concept, production design, and overall mission-statement. Michael Sheen is just bizarre, and Dakota Fanning might as well have her own Vampire Chronicles series. She's quite memorable. But what you have to sit through for her is so unbelievably bad it hurts. The film has an extended sequence of Bella staring out a window for three or four months, in emotional agony. By the end of the movie, I felt like I'd been right there with ya, sister.

Scene from Face Punch, the film within a film, and preferred choice of entertainment, here

In terms of popular success, bad ruled the year. I did not see GI Joe or Fast and Furious, but honestly, I'm ashamed of you, America. More so this time.

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